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Going Gray.

I've decided I'm going to stop coloring my hair. I'm only 44, and I don't have a lot of gray, but I have some, and I know that eventually the time will come that I'll have to either continue to color it, more often, and at greater expense, or let it grow out dramatically and have it be a shock.

So I decided to just let it be, now. Immediately. Because my grays are part of who I am.

I almost wrote, "I'm not fooling anyone about how old I am" just now, but that isn't quite my reason for letting it go gray: It's that, really, I don't mind gray hair on others, and I think it will be easy for me to like it on me. My grandmother had beautiful white hair, and it suited her well.

It's part of a larger project: I'm working on making peace with my body. Accepting myself, in little bite-sized pieces, picking off the easy things first.

In this way, I hope to leave more resources, more time and energy and emotion for the things I can't or don't want to love about myself (right now).

I want to stop wasting treasure on things I've long pursued that I just don't believe in or need.

I don't have anything against hair color, truly, but the time and energy and money it takes to keep up, the distraction from quiet time or time with my kids, isn't worth it to me anymore, and I have a nagging suspicion that the busy-ness of one more two-hour appointment every six weeks keeps me from doing the hard, and more avoidable, work of excavating my BS, wrestling with it, and letting it go.

Today, I'm grateful. For so much. For my road, mostly. For my mother's passing in the way and time it was, because the breakdown awakening I had in its aftermath was nothing short of a total re-construction of myself, which needed, urgently, to occur.

It was a gift she gave me, the last and the most valuable. A push off the cliff into adulthood.

I said at the time, "You're always a girl until your mother is gone," and now I feel what that means, in a way I could not even begin to imagine then.

I had to re-build who I am from the ground up, and this time, I'm building from the inside out. Sorting the world into things that are "me" and others that are "not me". Embracing the ones and turning away from the others.

Rocking the gray hair and showing up just as I am?

"Me."

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