Skip to main content

Wriggling on the Pin

I don't know what I even want to say today, except Ouch, and Thank You.

There's a phrase I use to describe the feeling of being deep into the work I have to do, the unavoidability of discomfort: wriggling on the pin. Stuck-ness. It's reminiscent of late pregnancy, or labor, when you know the only way forward is forward, and you're the only one who can do it.

It sucks sometimes. It just sucks. But it's good work, and I'm grateful for it. In the quiet moments I feel overwhelming peace and have a clear sense that I am on the right path, MY path, and I'm grateful for it. But it's hard, damn hard.

It sucks when I've cried myself to sleep out of anger and frustration and loneliness that feels like a relief, like a dam breaking, because I've been holding it together so well for weeks and weeks and weeks on end, but I'm grateful for the release.

It sucks when someone says something insensitive and dismissive of how hard this work is. "First World Problems" "You're overthinking" (as if I could be something or do something differently), but I'm grateful for friends to listen.

But I'll say this: the work I do, the way I do it? My overthinking and analysis? It's VASTLY harder than the alternates, which are either 1) numbing the pain in order not to feel it and hope that it works out better next time, 2) blaming everyone else for how I got here, or 3) blaming myself and giving up all hope of personal change, saying "it's just who I am."

The beginning of change is a commitment to reality, and seeing truth, and that takes examination.

It sucks when I have, for the millionth time in one day, picked up and set down anger, fear, frustration, regret, or self-judgement, and NOT grasped on to something sweet to fill the space. Because that's what people do in this culture: they eat or shop or drink or drug or date to have something to fill that lonely place. I've pretty much summed up all the coping mechanisms of the world right there, looking for something outside of yourself to fix what's difficult inside.

As my brilliant father-in-law said, "Remember not to seek the Dharma anywhere outside yourself."

Don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of coping and avoidance, but, blessedly, I've gotten to the point in this life, my life, where I want to not do that anymore. I don't want to keep doing the same stuff and hope that it works out.

Because hope is not a strategy

I'm grateful for the wisdom to understand there are no get out of jail free cards for this. The only way through the growth is breaking open from the inside and shedding the old skin, and that stuff hurts, and it takes time.

So I'm working it. On my own.

It's like running an emotional ultramarathon trail race that I don't know the length of, through a country I don't know. I don't know where and when the finish line will come, but I have to be grateful for the race, feet and legs to run it, and enough supplies along the way.

(I have the feeling that the end won't come, ironically, until I'm finally acclimated to the race).

I was lying on the table at my body worker's the other day, and I told him I was feeling angry and he said, "Why are you angry?" and I said, "Actually, I'm not angry, I'm uncomfortable, and I'd rather be doing something comfortable, but I know what I'm doing is going to pay off, I just don't know when."

Do you want to live a life that is full, and rich, and deep with meaning, even if being that way causes you pain? I do. Some days, I think how nice it would be to just go for the numbness, to cast about for something sweet and entertaining to distract me from the hard work, but I just can't embrace it.

I understand it, but I just can't do it.

So I have to work with what I have. And wriggle on the pin for a bit more.


Popular posts from this blog

It is safe to say that you are Settling in Your Relationship? That is the Question

In our lives we meet a wide range of individuals yet not all are good with us thus this is the reason it is so elusive an accomplice throughout everyday life. You can adore a wide range of individuals, yet that is not quite the same as what makes an incredible accomplice. At the point when you genuinely love someone so much that you're willing to work to be a superior individual and that other individual is eager to do likewise for you, that is the point at which you have enchantment in a container.

The inquiry is would you say you are settling? Do you have all the fixings expected to make your relationship work, are you in-adoration, do they rouse you to be better at everything - a superior individual, a superior mother or father, a superior sister or sibling, child or little girl, do they regard you, do they tune in, are you explicitly fulfilled. Let's be honest, a relationship and additionally marriage can be extremely long and you must like the individual as mush as you lo…


After my engagement was broken off, my brilliant therapist led me to a conclusion that was hard to accept, but necessary:

"I know I have to consider just dating, and not taking it all so seriously."

He said, "I support that."

So I did.

I've been out online since late last summer and I've seen a lot of people, talked to a lot more, and have begun to figure out what works for me and what doesn't. I talked to EVERYONE, just to hear the stories. Sex workers, married guys, older ones, younger ones, blue collar, polyamorous, all of the varieties of -sexual (most of which are indistinguishable to me). I describe myself as a "casual dater" although apparently that has an acronym now: ENP-NPP which stands for "ethically non-monogamous, no primary partner." It's what we used to just call casual dating - everyone is seeing other people until you decide together that you aren't.

I was proceeding easily down this road and all was going perfect…

From Grief to Gratitude

We live in a world so averse to suffering that avoiding feeling is practically a vocation. But when I avoided the darkness, I realized I had to seek out ways to experience it that I could control. Emotion phobia is a thing. But the need to feel is real.

The brilliant Miriam Greenspan comments:

"We fear our emotions and devalue them. This fear has its roots in the ancient duality of reason versus emotion. Reason and the mind are associated with masculinity and are considered trustworthy, whereas emotion and the body are associated with the feminine and are seen as untrustworthy, dangerous, and destructive...But despite our fear, there is something in us that wants to feel all these emotional energies, because they are the juice of life. When we suppress and diminish our emotions, we feel deprived. So we watch horror movies or so-called reality shows like Fear Factor. We seek out emotional intensity vicariously, because when we are emotionally numb, we need a great deal of stimulatio…