Skip to main content


Some friends came by tonight - two men that I have loved as my own family for almost 20 years. One of them has received a diagnosis of a type of cognitive decline, one that leads to dementia in many cases, within 5-8 years. We sat and talked calmly but sadly about the details of the diagnosis, one I hadn't understood before, and in many ways, refused to see. We talked about his wishes not to live with dementia, and their plans for his decline.

I'm very, very sad.

It is August, in my life too. 

I am 45. In three years, I have lost both my parents and initiated a divorce from a good man who, in many ways, I still love deeply. Not in many ways, just love deeply. Full stop. Couldn't keep up with him or tolerate the risk he could, and couldn't keep chasing a goal when I wasn't sure how much time we had left. But love, yes, still.  

My hair has streaks of gray, my body is getting wrinkles and paunches and refusing to be pushed in the ways I used to push it. I have felt the first flames of hot flashes in my face, as regular as the clock, in the early afternoon and evening. The days of planting are past, the harvest is over, and it is the time that I enjoy the cooling days and the last, fading blooms of my flowers before the frost arrives. 

I have no sense of time in my life for "another try" or a "new start". The deaths of my parents, one protracted and foreseeable, and one instantaneous and shocking - took that away. 

What I have the sense of is that what I have left is a brief period to get right with myself and the Universe, and to enjoy every blessed instant I am given with my friends and my children, and to try not to leave a terrible mess behind for them to clean up. 

All I have time for is "To do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God", as the prophet Micah exhorted the people of Israel. 

It is August, in my life too.


Popular posts from this blog

It is safe to say that you are Settling in Your Relationship? That is the Question

In our lives we meet a wide range of individuals yet not all are good with us thus this is the reason it is so elusive an accomplice throughout everyday life. You can adore a wide range of individuals, yet that is not quite the same as what makes an incredible accomplice. At the point when you genuinely love someone so much that you're willing to work to be a superior individual and that other individual is eager to do likewise for you, that is the point at which you have enchantment in a container.

The inquiry is would you say you are settling? Do you have all the fixings expected to make your relationship work, are you in-adoration, do they rouse you to be better at everything - a superior individual, a superior mother or father, a superior sister or sibling, child or little girl, do they regard you, do they tune in, are you explicitly fulfilled. Let's be honest, a relationship and additionally marriage can be extremely long and you must like the individual as mush as you lo…


After my engagement was broken off, my brilliant therapist led me to a conclusion that was hard to accept, but necessary:

"I know I have to consider just dating, and not taking it all so seriously."

He said, "I support that."

So I did.

I've been out online since late last summer and I've seen a lot of people, talked to a lot more, and have begun to figure out what works for me and what doesn't. I talked to EVERYONE, just to hear the stories. Sex workers, married guys, older ones, younger ones, blue collar, polyamorous, all of the varieties of -sexual (most of which are indistinguishable to me). I describe myself as a "casual dater" although apparently that has an acronym now: ENP-NPP which stands for "ethically non-monogamous, no primary partner." It's what we used to just call casual dating - everyone is seeing other people until you decide together that you aren't.

I was proceeding easily down this road and all was going perfect…

From Grief to Gratitude

We live in a world so averse to suffering that avoiding feeling is practically a vocation. But when I avoided the darkness, I realized I had to seek out ways to experience it that I could control. Emotion phobia is a thing. But the need to feel is real.

The brilliant Miriam Greenspan comments:

"We fear our emotions and devalue them. This fear has its roots in the ancient duality of reason versus emotion. Reason and the mind are associated with masculinity and are considered trustworthy, whereas emotion and the body are associated with the feminine and are seen as untrustworthy, dangerous, and destructive...But despite our fear, there is something in us that wants to feel all these emotional energies, because they are the juice of life. When we suppress and diminish our emotions, we feel deprived. So we watch horror movies or so-called reality shows like Fear Factor. We seek out emotional intensity vicariously, because when we are emotionally numb, we need a great deal of stimulatio…