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The Ides of March.

This period of enforced slowdown has given me a lot of time to breathe and think. My mom has been gone for seven years today. I miss her sharply, but I think more about her life than I do about her death, and I remember more of the the sweet things and not so many of the bitter ones.

I was meant to be remarried last night, to a man who is good and kind and was not ready. Truth be told, I wasn't ready either. But the narrative of 'never alone' is so strong that I jumped before I looked. As strong as I am, I still was waiting for the white knight to absolve me of the need to do it all, to be on point, to manage all of this alone.

In the Monday morning quarterbacking, I saw how I have resented my own strength for a long time. I've resented the competence and foresight, the little flame that got me up and out of my family and led me down the road to wholeness instead of staying in place and letting the world crash around me.

I decided to stop resenting my competence and instead to embrace the bad ass bitch that I am and be grateful for it. To look at what it has given me and has yet to give.

As I navigate the loss, and the life that has come beyond it, I think of all the things that wouldn't have happened if I had been married again and gone back into some simulacrum of the conventional life I left. And I thank everything good that I dodged that bullet. Because this time it would not be possible to manage it through willpower, and nearly impossible to leave.

My business is booming: growing in a way I thought about but never had time to focus on.

My dear friend R said "you always had the wings and clearance to fly, you just didn't realize it."

And I am grateful, really grateful.

It's not easy. Every day I'm wracked with the 'Founder's Flu' - a type of particular madness that grips entrepreneurs where you think (every other minute) that you are incapable, on the right track, and desperately crazy. In rotation.

I have a propelling hunger, still, but it's for a type of risk and success I always thought wasn't for me. I see clearly how BRAVE I am. How smart and hardworking and perceptive.

There are moments in your life when you realize everything you have done up to this point has prepared you, but you never saw it coming until now. That's exactly where I'm at, and I wouldn't have it any other way.


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